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Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
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8:06 pm - Deprogramming time
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Following on from jumping on the bandwagon about the military establishment upbringing and service, my shrink is now putting all the blame for my issues squarely on needing to be deprogrammed to live in civilian life.
Apparently my expecting the majority of people to do the job right is not correct. I have to accept the majority will not do the job right, on time, or give a damn about it. I did comment that I wondered why so many people are gainfully employed, but even he said he couldn't fire his own staff, only wait in the long term for them to voluntarily start doing their jobs.
I saw a friend of mine who was blown up in Iraq and he told me he was taking a year out between his BA and MA to get treatment for PTSD and also deprogramming. He sympathised and mentioned the threat of a jerrycan of petrol and a match as most being likely the best persuasion to get civvies to do the job right.
So I have a book to go through on advice of my shrink, with exercises and a journal to keep. I haven't started it yet, I am 5 days behind on it. The Feeling Good Handbook, by David Burns. Should be illuminating.
Not quite sure who I am supposed to be out the other end though and whether I will keep my character. I thought I was supposed to be the best of the best, not a slacker.
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| Monday, December 14th, 2009
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12:22 am - A right mess!
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I have many pages of questions from my shrink to fill in comprehensively in good time for our next meeting. He again confirmed what I kind of realised about my anti psychotic (or any) medication usage. I feel like crap and bomb pills and within an hour or so I am relatively comforted. He pointed out I was on the strongest pills right now and my form of usage was utterly unusual. Could it be psychosomatic? I honestly feel the effects of the pills. But being told that this is the stuff they normally stick in needles to sedate people who have flipped out is unnerving. I've run out and the shrink won't prescribe me them, saying that's upto my GP, but would I kindly explain to the GP what the shrink explained to me! Madness!
So, I ran out of pills, dumped my girlfriend and borrowed a book on treating panic attacks from my uni's NHS library :)
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| Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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2:33 pm - Twisted faces
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A long and exhausting day yesterday left me waking up almost screaming in pain. The bones in my hands hurt when I tried to move them, it was that bad. Halfway through the day and I think I'm on the 6th episode of season 2 of the West Wing (third watching.) Started this morning sometime. I found myself checking my messages from time to time and was investigating a student club night (there was some legal issue in their name) when I came across their facebook group with a large photo album of people who go to it.
I sat here flicking through them, wondering why so many were just plain weird looking. This was like the upcoming Alice in Wonderland movie. Twisted heads and bodies, weird styles and clothing. My right eye started to struggle and then I came down with an overwhelming need to kill myself. Sad but true! I had to close everything down, find some pills and get a nice cup of tea. I still can't get my dodgy eye to stay in place properly. It feels loosely fixed, won't focus right and gluey. I'm mystified why I felt that overwhelming feeling. I'm sure I've had numerous ones like this but my short term memory loss means I blank them out. Maybe I should write it down to tell the shrink? It'll give him food for thought!
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| Tuesday, November 10th, 2009
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12:22 pm - Too fluey to notice life
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10 days now I've been suffering from flu! This is nasty stuff. Never quite leaving me in that sobbing, annoying pain and I'm glad I gave up smoking a few weeks beforehand! I think we managed to spread it on to a few of our friends too and they are all in bed staring weary eyed into their webcams awaiting a recovery date.
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| Tuesday, October 27th, 2009
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3:31 pm - Diving Gear
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I finally reached the Balance clinic at my local hospital! This involved some tests that told me things about myself I guess I just wasn't noticing and remembering.
( spin the wheel..... )
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| Monday, October 19th, 2009
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2:30 pm - Balance Centre time soon!
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Okay, so I missed making my first appointment due to some interesting holidays this summer, but it's kind of been a long time getting here really! Finally I will get some 'experts' stating what my physical mobility issues are, on paper, in legalese!
I find it kind of amusing that every time I think of what testing they are going to do on me, I can't help throwing an image of me on a Wii in a wetsuit. Disturbing, I know! But the letter they sent out did kind of suggest they will push me with the tests and I am not allowed to drive home afterwards. Wonder if they include cycling in that :) Maybe I better walk there on second thoughts.
I also have an appointment with the shrinks a week or so afterwards to investigate possible unipolar mania. I think that's what the GP was going on about.
In the meantime, my GP has left a letter at reception for me to hand to my uni about disability, to claim some funds. A letter he said he wouldn't write until AFTER I'd seen the shrinks, believing it would look a lot more interesting or at least credible I suppose he would call it, after that. They surgery want £20 for that. Do I go in and pay for an inadequate letter? Do I go in, read it and go WTF? and not pay for it, citing my GP's words?
These and more questions I have to learn to get over by myself, because the advice I am getting recently is pretty poor in many aspects obviously due to certain peoples own personal issues getting in the way. I actually found myself uttering those unneeded words again, twice, this week, "I've got a brain injury, what's your excuse for your social behaviour?"
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| Monday, October 12th, 2009
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8:09 am - Overload
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It's been a few months, hasn't it? I've been busy with life really. Fiction takes a backseat to non-fiction. Textbook reading takes prominence at the table.
I've almost certainly solved my fatigue issues though. Dropped caffeine from my diet. No more wonderful Italian blend filter coffee. No more diet coke or energy drinks. Four days to see a slight change, two weeks to really find myself able to do far more! Now the fight against three stones of gained weight over the last seven years is primary as that is tiring me if anything.
Psychiatric problems have been coming in swings and roundabouts. They've now got me going to the shrinks to investigate long episodes of mania. My inappropriate speech and actions have been an issue with people around me. I get roles I don't think I am worthy of really, and this must be why, my apparent drive and actions. If only they could see the other half of it. I struggle to hide it. At least I don't get depressed, but I can still get suicidal with the mania. I'm on constant beta blockers to fight panic attacks now and think I've exhausted all the anti psychotics the GP can prescribe. The latest causing hangovers and headaches, although that might just be the flu going around.
A few things have been sorted in my life and some things gotten worse. I need to schedule time for me. For doing what I enjoy. Not that I don't, but it's just not satisfying me completely. I know I have to work harder.
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| Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
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11:28 pm - bye bye Caffeine
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As I'm suffering from quite severe anxiety most of the day after waking up, which I usually do with coffee, I've decided to give up as many caffeine products as I can for a week or two. I love Italian blend filter coffee so that's going to suck!
Not a lot I can do for now though about the visual hallucinations in my periphery vision, or the auditory hallucinations (always seems to be half of the complete sound of my mobile phones txt messaging chime!) I just have to see if they are associated with the increased anxiety levels.
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| Monday, April 27th, 2009
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9:53 pm - Balancing time
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After a visit to the docs I am now med-less due to the side effects of most of them being worse than the possible benefits they give me. But I have been referred to the balance people to look into why I am so motion sensitive and if they can possibly do anything about it. Although I was warned this might not be likely.
I did a bit of googling and have seen exercises that can be done to desensitise me, but whether they work or not I have no idea. They might be worth a shot in the meantime whilst waiting for an appointment. I've been able to function for the last seven months or so as the meds I was initially taking damped down the problem, allowing me to walk, etc. Now with no meds, I'm not sure if I will be able to walk or if I will have to get back on my bicycle to go anywhere (it's smoother than walking!)
On a positive side, the reason I am not working or having a normal life is the motion sensitivity and if that could be resolved, I could get more active again and see a clearer future ahead of me! As it is right now, during sex last night I almost passed out from med-less head bobbing although I didn't bother to regale that one to the doc today :)
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| Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
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8:36 pm - Not enough
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I've been on half rations of the meds that work for the last couple of weeks waiting for a session with the doc and a possible new prescription and this just isn't enough to remove the psychotic moments. I keep thinking people around me are going to explode into violence and very infrequently feel the need myself to do so. The suicidal feelings that go with it aren't much fun either. Luckily I seem to be able to come up with reasons to live before it overwhelms me.
I think there's some stress in my life right now that needs to just dissolve away to relieve me. My ex wife isn't bringing up my kids right at all. Long story. Not the usual sniping here, she really is borderline unfit for the job. Anyhow, the extras. My girlfriend of six months turns round and announces she is gay. An ex girlfriend I then met up with for a return to a previous life lasted one day and then said it was all a huge mistake. Then also we have the wrong girl after me, I have no interest in her. Oh, and my so called best friend just got my ex wife pregnant! That isn't going to go away anytime soon.
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| Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
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8:07 pm - Oh joy.....
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Fighting to diet and exercise is a struggle on its own without the submission to these horribly pills. My own sanity is at risk if I don't take them. But if I do, then I struggle to move and struggle to fight the urge to eat. At least I don't have to put up with embarrassing side effects this time round. But still, I am only waiting another week, the last of my holidays, till I can get to see a doc and get something different to play with.
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| Thursday, April 16th, 2009
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10:04 pm - Teenager again
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I've got a return of OCD like problems I suffered as a teenager. I think these are caused by the high levels of anxiety and stress I'm going through. Usual problems, my head and family, not worth explaining here.
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| Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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11:23 am - Badness
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Well, that's one medication off the list! Risperidone gave me low blood pressure. I could hardly move around with that stuff! I went swimming and was struggling with each length of the admittedly long pool. At one point thought I was going to lose consciousness and just sink under the water.
Back to the pills that pep me up, remove the problems I was suffering, but admittedly give me panic attacks, doh! Must ring the docs now and make yet another appointment to gain yet another med to try.
I'm so anxious right now and with the panic attacks I've been feeling like retreating into a nice warm cosy space and giving up most of my activities. Which would of course be a bad idea. Time to wait again for new meds.
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| Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
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5:46 pm - Change again
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Apparently I shouldn't have been on the anti psychotics I was for so long! A series of annoying, cloying, embarrassing panic attacks finally came along and prompted me to go to the docs and request a change of medication.
I took it on the way home and very quickly it kicked in, changing my visual perspective and slowing down my limbs and sucking away what little stamina I thought I had. Hmm, annoying!
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| Monday, March 9th, 2009
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5:37 pm - Monkey Cymbal
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I had a week of feeling pretty fine. My perspective had changed visually, even in the way I held myself, bodily. But I had a stressful night ahead of me where I was giving a powerpoint presentation to a room. I took one of my little yellow pills, the anti psychotics, and a load of beta blockers with it, swallowed down with whisky. I got through the night fine but then the pain began!
After four days of mental pain and depression I couldn't take anymore and started back on the anti psychotics knowing I'd harmed myself by taking that one single pill. I'm promising myself I will give them all up again after a few weeks or a month. I can't believe I did this to myself really. I was doing so well and my dictionary was accessible again, side effects from the pills reduced and I was feeling human once more. But, no more.
So, I find myself rocking back and forth on my sofa, doing my work, a river of power flowing through me from stomach to chest. Enjoyable as it is I can't help think I am like that wind up monkey with his cymbal, cheesy grin, banging away at my little cymbal.
At least the pain is gone for now.
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| Monday, March 2nd, 2009
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9:03 pm - Flowing tears
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Last night I lay on my sofa with my light turned low and experienced hallucination after hallucination as something in the centre of my vision kept pushing through into my reality, spinning and shaking.
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| Sunday, March 1st, 2009
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7:25 pm - Here comes the flood
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Two and a half days without my medication and I'm still waiting for my world to come crashing down around me. I've been emotional and teary, but not yet experiencing the pains of before, many months ago when we finally figured how to stop it. I'm going to miss the kick I got from those little yellow pills that helped me with energy and drive, to be able to walk without problems from shaking my head.
But I'm more relaxed. I lay still and can feel my eyes as they fall back into my head and seemingly lower to the base of my skull comfortably. Plus the embarrassing symptoms are going away. Things are sedate right now, if somewhat teary.
At least I've not let my studies fall behind, so I'm doing alright there. I'm lucky in that fashion I suppose. A seemingly hectic week of a major trip, a meeting, classes, homework, seeing my kids, theatre, shopping. Nothing came apart at the seams really so I get to live on still.
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| Saturday, February 28th, 2009
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10:11 am - Gah, more side effects?
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I find myself with an irrational fear of heights and suffering panic attacks at all the wrong moments. I'm maybe going to put this down to my medication (flupentixol) and am going to come off it for a week and suffer the pain it was hiding to see if these new symptoms go away. I need a cessation of these embarrassing symptoms right now!
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| Tuesday, February 17th, 2009
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10:35 pm - A Page a minute
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That's my average novel reading time. Judged to read the words, take in the story. I can skim read and speed read, but sometimes you just have to say the words aloud inside your head, pacing a novel out and work to that page a minute tempo!
Told to read a 250 page novel for a class within a week, I know that is an approximate reading time of four hours and ten minutes. The tutor is waving the book around and quoting three hours! What planet is she on! We have a Norwegian and a Pakistani in the class, the rest English or American. I don't know if we have any dyslexics in the class this module yet, but still, three hours!
I've read nine novels, one novelette and two books of poetry for my modules already over sixteen days. I'm starting to get to the point where I need to lay there without tensing my eyes to focus on a page in front of me and I have one novel, three books of poetry plus two books of essays to read in the next six days. Then I might just take a well earned break, unless my eyes get their second wind.
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2009
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2:05 pm - Dream carried over into wakefulness
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Amazing sometimes how real we take our dreams to be. When on waking we shudder and sweat and wonder how much of our recent memories were dream and how much real events in life.
I experienced something further than this upon waking up with a loud crash in the night! A tupperware container fell off the top of a wall mounted cupboard and into my kitchen sink. My birds, their open cage leaving them avenue of escape, struggled, screaming into the open reaches of my room.
I came awake at the crash and the screeching. Opening my eyes, staring from where I lay at the wall in my bedroom. It was as if the small area of my bedroom window now covered by wooden shutters was letting in the light from an explosion. Yellow light bathed the wall and in the middle of this, the shadow of a figure of a woman, between me and the window. The noises from my living room were unrecognised, unregistered. I believed this woman had been shaking me awake. Then when I rolled over and the room was empty of ghostly apparitions I assumed we had possibly been shaken by another earthquake as I felt similar the last time round (without the room seemingly bathed in light!)
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